Frozen Ground

Why does time pass so slowly and then all at once? Amid the snow in Texas, this seemed like a good time to bring this up. I've been realizing lately that I've felt frozen for the past two years.

This is probably not a sentiment that is entirely unique to me. Every single one of us experiences this at some point in our lives, I think, and the world conditions are probably leaving a lot of people wondering "what's it all for?" far more frequently than before.

All that to say that those "world conditions," coupled with my particular stage of life, the misplaced expectations surrounding it, and a particularly strong tendency toward comparison, have made me start to define my entire life (and myself) as being frozen.

Since life is taking more out of me than usual, and social media (purely for the comparative aspect, as is true for most people) is an especially guilty perpetrator of my feeling frozen, lesser, left behind, etc., this account has been "frozen" for months. These photos that are scattered throughout are from May 2020, almost two years ago; everything and nothing has changed since then.

In case you're losing the thread like I am at this point, let's stop and take stock of the situation:

First, what is it that makes me feel frozen?

• In short , a laundry list of "shoulds" that seem to prove my life is not as important as other people's

• I've been out of college for two years, and I still don't have some big career or anything even leading toward a husband or kids, and I still live with my parents

• I feel as though I have done almost nothing for the past two years, and my life stayed exactly the same, but at a time when your life is supposed to get bigger, move faster, change constantly

Do these observations truly mean my life is frozen, and, regardless, is that truly bad and/or an indicator that I am frozen?

The first bullet point is irrelevant. The second is just facts. But the third, on further review, is not:

• I started new jobs and learned and applied many skills that I did not have previously; I also quit my first job (quitting anything is very difficult for me to do)

• I have increased discipline in many non-spiritual areas

• I have made and deepened countless friendships, as well as some family ones that haven't been developed in a while!

• I increased spiritual disciplines by a mile and deepened my relationship with the Lord more in two years than perhaps my whole life (I've been saved since about 4 or 5, so that's a big deal)

• Within that realm, I have gotten to points of belief and application of truth in certain sin and faith struggles of mine that I never thought possible because it has been such a present and seemingly insurmountable battle my whole life

•Ironically, I've only been posting on my other account--which is more my personal, vlog-style, life-update insta--because I have had so many things going on that I feel like I have too much to post about and not enough time to do it, much less type out a caption as long as this one

There are a couple of components to this:

-a season of waiting/development/rest

-the purpose of our lives as Christians

Waiting is everyone's life story (primarily framed by our desires and expectations): always true and never true, but 100% necessary if God wills it. So those things I am waiting for do not make me less worthy, because my worth has nothing to do with me anyway, and they are excellent opportunities to grow in my walk and relationship with the Lord. Was Moses in the wrong place when God sent him out of Egypt to be a shepherd for 40 years? Was Abraham doing the wrong thing when he waited 25 years (until he was 100) to have Issac? Was Paul wasting his life in prison or being single for so long? Sometimes we do everything we can (or even more than we should) to accomplish our desires or God's plan, and God still has us wait.

What does God ask of us, then? Waiting or not? How do we know if we're doing enough? That can be hard to parse out many times, but it all comes down the one reason we are here on earth: to glorify God, "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all things for the glory of God," (1 Corinthians 10:31). So, if I want to go on a mission trip, start a career in music or social media, get married, have kids, improve my diet, make more friends, volunteer my time, develop better financial habits, workout more, learn a new skill, whatever, I can and am encouraged to do so, but only if God's glory is the priority, not the activity or my status. This means anything not inherently sinful can glorify God, and anything is an opportunity for you to try to glorify yourself. There is no person, place, or thing that will make you automatically Holy or pleasing to God by participating in it or having it or being it, but God can use anything to sanctify us and to glorify Himself.

So, am I frozen?

I don't think so. I would like to start taking steps to change some things in my life, as I should be looking for always, but I am not frozen. I think I am in an intense waiting and preparation stage. One that has made me closer to God and more ready than ever to be intentional, disciplined, courageous, and faithful than ever before. I also have a deep catalog of creativity and thoughts stored up to do some fun things from here on out!

Though I do not believe my time the past two years has been wasted, I do believe it is time for me to start taking more action to transition certain things in my life, instead of hanging on too tightly to what I missed or lost or wish I had done. Because of this, my word for 2022 is Faithful: I want to be faithful to build when results are slow, to take risks when I fear rejection or failure, to have discipline when it hurts or doesn't come naturally, to believe God when my flesh and the devil are shouting lies on all sides, to have faith and act in obedient faith, based on a ferocious pursuit of truth and God's heart. Faithful, not Frozen. It's good to be back!

Before you go: here is further proof that this is a recurring theme in my life, especially the past two years, a poem that I wrote and published in two parts to my instagram in September of 2020:

I've been told that I'm a late bloomer

And those people would be right

'cause I've spent so much time rooting deeper

that I never quite grew into the light

It's warmer up there,

but what if I get scorched?

I think I'm ready for my beauty to be shared,

but what if I need more?

It's safer underground

It makes me feel secure

I know I need to try before I lose what I've found,

but I'm still unsure

The sun is too bright

The earth squeezes too tight

Unless the water comes alive,

nothing will ever grow right

If a flower falls, does it make a sound?

If it's alone with no one around?

Is it still better than being stuck underground?

I don't know

I've been told I'm like an old tree

that may also be true

because depth is my specialty

the strongest thing about me is my roots

I really want to try to branch out,

but I still have my doubts

I think I'm ready to offer safety in my boughs,

but what if I get cut down?

It's safe in the dark,

where no one sees my flaws

But maybe that's the most important part,

as not from me but from the water my power draws

The sun is still bright

The earth still squeezes tight

Unless I venture into the light,

nothing will ever grow, right?

If a tree falls, it does make a sound

Even alone with no one around

Maybe it's still better than being silence bound

I think so

Alright, now that is truly all! I'm sure many of you have already announced them, but what are y'all's words for the year? If you don't have one already, what would it be?

-Baylee Marie